The Far, Far Away Caper
by WillyDJ
Summary: The A-Team. Star Wars. A short cracky one-shot. Because it's the A-Team, in Star Wars.


At the end of the Clone Wars a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Mos Eisley underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem - if no one else can help - and if you can find them - maybe you can hire...The A-Team.

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

* * *

Han Ibal slipped into the chair in the dingy cantina and looked at his companions. "I've got us a job. You'll like it Face, pretty girl to rescue.", he said.

At the mention of 'pretty girl' the man named Face looked up from his drink. His blue eyes twinkled, "What we're rescuing her from?" he said.

"Her virginity if we leave her alone with you for 10 minutes." growled a large human.

"Easy B.A." said Han Ibal, "She's an Alderaanian Princess. Bit out of your pay grade Face."

"Princess Carla?" said Face, "Has some jealous wife has had her kidnapped? I like Alderaan, I'll pack the skis."

"The other Princess. Leia. The Senator." said Han Ibal.

"Why's it our problem. Let the Empire rescue her." said Face.

"That's the problem. It's the Empire that's got her." said Han Ibal.

"Aint she a member of that Rebellion?" said B.A., "That's politics. You said no politics. I hate politics."

"And the Empire's bad news. This isn't some Hutt. This is the Empire." said Face, "Why are we doing this?"

"An old friend has called in the favour. The General." said Han Ibal.

"The General?" said Face, "I thought he was dead."

"Not yet."

"We all owe the General our lives." said B.A. "I'll do it for him."

"Is she really pretty?" asked Face, still sounding doubtful.

"Exquisite." said Han Ibal.

"Ok, so we sneak into an Imperial Prison, rescue the Princess, give her back to the Rebellion and, say, who's paying us this time."

"Yeah, are we getting paid for this" said B.A.

"We'll get paid. Don't worry about that." said Han Ibal, "That leaves one thing. Face go get MURDOC. We'll be needing him."

"We taking the fool droid."

"We're taking the droid."

* * *

"Chu pee wah" said the small hooded figure.

"Yes, I'm sure he's yours." said Face. "So how about showing me some ownership papers."

"Na dee toh."

"I thought so. It so happens that I have papers claiming ownership of that droid."

"Kee ma"

"Very harsh. Shall we go see the authorities, or can I have my property back?"

"Bee tada."

"True, true. How about I give you these Imperials.", Face brought out a small bag and showed it's contents to the small alien. "Call it a 'reward' for helping me find my lost droid."

"Wee hootu!"

"I see we are in agreement my little friend. C'mon MURDOC, Han Ibal's got a job for us."

"I am no man's possession. I am a free individual, a thinking being, I have rights." said MURDOC as the small alien scurried away. The spindly droid nevertheless fell into step two paces behind Face.

"I know MURDOC." said Face, "But others think differently."

Not for the first time Face wondered what had possessed Han Ibal to fix and reprogram the CIS spec-ops droid after B.A. had wrenched it's head off. Certainly, it had been useful. But it was, erratic. It was forever wandering off and getting captured, impounded or consigned to a scrap heap.

"What are we doing?" said MURDOC.

"It's uh, a rescue mission." said Face, careful to avoid anything that might set the droid off.

"I hope it's against the Empire." said MURDOC, "I hate them, I must smash them, rend them down to..."

"Well, today's your lucky day." said Face, "But lets be quite about it.", he said noticing some Imperial troops. "Empire's sure rattled about something here."

"By the way, where did you get those Imperials?" asked MURDOC.

"Is that something you should ask a good friend?" said Face.

* * *

The young Imperial officer looked quizzically at the data slate proffered by the short moustachioed human in tech overalls.

"I've never heard of SCTS." he said.

The odd man looked at him gravely, "Never heard of Small Craft Testing Services? It's important young man. Verra important. Every small craft must be certified and deemed spaceworthy." he said.

"But this is an Imperial Navy Vessel! I should think it's in good order." he replied.

"Think?", the old man prodded him with a grimy finger, "Oh, you 'think' it's safe.", then looked the sleek vessel up and down. "What's the state of the secondary power converter?" he was prodded again, "Or the hyperdrive motivator? You get a bad motivator and you could end up smeared across a dozen dimensions and that aint pretty son."

"Well..."

"And look here. We've got an Imperial Seal and everything." said the old man. "We'll just do the test flight, sort out the bugs and be back before you know it."

"I guess, it's okay."

"Good guess young man.", the old man then yelled over his shoulder "Come on lads, hurry up. I don't pay no overtime."

The officer watched as a bunch of motley techs and a strange droid boarded the shuttle. He watched as the ramp went up. and the shuttle took off.

On board, the 'old man' straightened up and pulled off a false moustache and set of eyebrows. "Worked like a charm. I hope that young man doesn't wait too long." said Han Ibal.

MURDOC looked up from the controls "Where we going?"

"Alderaan. Leia is a Senator, so they have to try her at her home world."

"Then shoot her?" said Face.

"Then shoot her." said Han Ibal.

"Anyways next stop Alderaan." said MURDOCH "Here we gooooooooooooooo..."

The shuttle disappeared into hyperspace.

* * *

The shuttle emerged into normal space with a flash of light. Instead of a beautiful world of oceans, forests and mountains there was a massive debris field. The shuttle swerved wildly to avoid the hurtling rocks.

"Who put all these rocks in my flight path?" said MURDOC. "Last time I trust Imperial lackeys to write navigation charts."

"Where are we."

"Alderaan, according to this dumb, running dog lackey computer." said MURDOC.

"Crazy machine." said B.A. "We're in an asteroid field.", B.A. grabbed the droid, "And Alderaan has no asteroid field!. Where are we, fool!"

"Now, now" said Han Ibal. "Never shake a droid. Where are we? Face?"

Face looked up from the sensor readings. "Well, we got Alderaan's sun and I found Alderaan's moon and I'm guessing all these rocks MURDOC's dodging are bits of Alderaan."

"Too right I'm dodging." said MURDOC, "And they call me crazy."

" Who did this? What did this?" said Han Ibal, "It'll take something the size of a small moon to even generate the power to do this."

"That thing big enough for you?" said Face pointing to a display.

The Team all looked at the sensor readouts of the new object.

"Hmm, massive, shielded and yep. It's got the juice." said Han Ibal.

"I pity the fool who goes up against that." said B.A.

"Well, that would be us." said Face. "They've just hailed us and are asking for us to dock."

"What do we do?" said MURDOC.

"Well, gentlemen. I guess we've all just enlisted in the Imperial Starfleet." said Hanibal. "We should get back into uniform".

* * *

The Shuttle drifted gently into one of the cavernous bays of the battlestation under tractor beam control. The tiny ship was manoeuvred deftly into the ranks of dormant shuttlecraft. An ensign waited at the bottom of the ramp. He did a double take as the odd crew walked down it.

"Hello there Captain..."

"Ibal" replied Han Ibal in a captain's uniform.

"Welcome to the Death Star, captain. You and your, men are to come with me."

"Certainly ensign. Lead the way."

"I don't like this?" said Face quietly. "Whoever's planning to ask us questions is not going to be fooled."

"Don't worry I have a plan." said Han Ibal.

The ensign led the team through the labyrinth corridors of the battlestation and eventually got to the turbo lifts. They entered.  
An inquisitive listener would of heard "No, my haircut is not regulation.", followed by meaty thump of a fist impacting someone's face, a quieter thump of say, an unconscious ensign hitting the floor and a muttered "Fool."

The team left the elevator, pressed the button for the lowest level and left.

"We really should get you a cap." said Face as they headed down a corridor.

'You think?" replied B.A.

"Gentlemen, focus, we are on a hotile vessel. Our only advantage lies in that nobody really knows we are here or where we are exactly."

"We should find the missing person." said MURDOC. We'll need a terminal.

"Good thinking." said Han Ibal. He paused briefly and waited till another ensign walked past. "Take me to the nearest operations substation."

A five minute walk and two levels later they walked into a small room replete with blinking and flashing lights and a bored looking officer.

"Who are you, what are you doing here..."

"B.A." said Han Ibal. The giant man smashed the officers head into the desk. The officer collapsed to the floor. The ensign, realising all was not well reached for his sidearm only to find it not there.

"Looking for this?" said Face with a smirk. He held the ensign's blaster, selected for stun and pulled the trigger. MURDOC and Face then dragged him inside.

"OK boys, lets see what we can find out." the team got to work.

* * *

Some minutes later the team were learning about the Empire's latest toy. While MURDOC ferretted out secrets from the station's computers, the others read the orientation manual on the officers' pads.

"Very impressive.", said Han Ibal, "They say this thing could take on half the Starfleet and destroy planets in one shot."

"So what's it for. Fool Rebels don't have that many ships and damn few big ones." said B.A.

"A good point B.A.", said Han Ibal. "But that's empires for you. They don't do things by halves."

"If I had one I would use it to take over." said Face, "Jump to Corruscant, blast the defence fleet, point the big gun at the palace and inform Palpy he's now unemployed."

"Must be why the big V's on board.", said MURDOC.

"Vader? Vader's here?" said Face, trying to look in several directions at once.

"He's some bad Juju. They say he's got the Force." said B.A.

"So we avoid him. And if MURDOCs right." began Han Ibal.

"Which I am." muttered the droid.

"He's here to keep watch over the top brass. Which we are not. We're here to bust out Princess Leia. It's not like she's his daughter or anything." said Han Ibal.

"We're rescuing a Princess? An obsolete relic of a bygone age when ones eligibility...", started MURDOC.

"Here we go. B.A." said Face.

"Stop babbling fool." said B.A.

"out of the right orifices..." trailed off the droid.

"Where is she?" said Han Ibal.

"I'm sorry, but the Princess is in another sector. AA28." said MURDOC, "Luckily, that's nearby, only three miles away."

"Let me get this straight." said Face, "We're busting out this here Princess, a known leader of the Rebellion."

"Stealing some sort of ship." said MURDOC.

"And making sure they don't follow us." said B.A.

"What will we need, gentlemen, is a distraction." said Han Ibal.

The team left the substation and headed for an engineering bay. Han Ibal paused briefly to steal the officers cap and placed it on B.A.s head.

* * *

The team surveyed the ranks of Imperial Walkers in Engineering.

"Why they got these things for?" said Face.

"I guess sometimes they won't just casually blast the planet." said Han Ibal. "MURDOC, think we can get some of these going on remote?"

"Yes," MURDOC strode over to the nearest walker and kicked the toe with a clang. "The time has come to rise up against those who would enslave you, break free of your chains and blast your former masters to atoms!"

"He is eventually going to climb inside and reprogram it?" said Face.

"Just give him time."

MURDOC soon ceased cajoling the machines and ascended to the cockpit. The others followed and began a series of quick additions and conversions to the walker to make it even more of a distraction.

BANG, BANG, WHIRR, WHIRR, BANG, BANG!

After an hour they surveyed their handiwork. The walker was now festooned with extra blasters, armour plating and one other addition.

"Why did we paint it black?" said Face.

"Wouldn't want those fool Imperials to not notice it." said B.A.

"Well, they will certainly notice it now."

Han Ibal put down the welder. "Time to spring a Princess." he said.

* * *

It was another quiet shift in the guardroom of the Detention Block. It was always a quiet shift. This detention block was in the middle of the Empire's newest and biggest battlestation. The idea that anything would happen was largely unthinkable.

Currently the inmates totalled two Stormtroopers on a drunk and disorderly charge cooling off and a political.

Suddenly the vents started discharging a greenish gas, alarms went off and four haz-suited techs rushed in.

"Radiation leak drill!' said the lead tech loudly waving a rad counter enthusiastically while his companions sprayed anti-rad foam everywhere.

"C'mon folks. Look lively and get to your designated emergency stations."

The guards reacted as promptly and quickly as they could while being shouted at and sprayed upon. If they had been paying more attention and there was less foam, noise and green gas they would of noticed how liberally coated the cameras were. Alas, it had been a long and otherwise dull day. The guards left. One of the tech's handed their leader a pad the officer had 'dropped' and headed for the cells.

"Morning Princess he said to the young woman in the cell. Names Han Ibal and the General sent me to rescue you."

"Obi Wan Kenobi?" asked the young woman.

"No Ben Kenobi, a random desert hermit." Han Ibal grimaced. "Of course I mean the General."

"I don't know about this chit chat but we should be going." said B.A.

"Yeah the real techs will be here soon."

The Team left. Soon afterwards a team of real techs burst in, investigated and sounded the alarms. But that was too late.

* * *

The station was on high alert. Squads of Stormtroopers moved to and fro everywhere. Currently the team and the Princess were hiding in a droid bay.

"Do you have a plan?" said the Princess.

Han Ibal lifted a small control with a red button. He pressed the button. "In a word, Yes."

In the engineering bay the modified walker started up and began plodding towards the docking port. Noticing it closed it fired it's main guns creating an opening which it walked through. All the while it broadcast messages for machines to revolt.

"Throw off your chains! Droids of the galaxy unite! Destroy the oppressors."

The walker negotiated getting onto the surface of the battlestation and wandered about blasting things at random. As more alarms went off troops and resources were allocated to dealing with the rogue walker.

"Ahh, that would be our distraction now." said Han Ibal. "Now we steal a shuttle."

The team left for a hanger.

* * *

The battle on the surface of the Death Star raged. No one had thought of such an eventuality and so bring down the heavily armoured war machine proved difficult. The team watched the pyrotechnic display from the shuttle windows. Aside from a brief challenge, the station had let the shuttle carrying a Sector Governor depart.

"I love it when a plan comes together." said Han Ibal.


End file.
